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It's So Amazing Here

Cause there's beauty in the breakdown.

5/15/05 05:20 pm

The smallest things have the ability to make me so happy.

It's ridiculous, really.

Something so insignificant...and yet, for some reason, it seems so special to me.

Irrational exuberance and I don't realize how foolish I'm being.

I end up falling for it every time.

Oh well, happiness is happiness no matter what the reason ^_^

You probably don't know what I'm talking about.

But I should thank you, anyway. It truly means a lot to me.


*cough* on another note, I am currently overwhelmed with things to do. Yesterday, I decided to sit down and read the book Survivor (by the one and only Chuck Palahniuk, bien sur). What an amazing book. I should have read it long ago. *shudder* I've never really been a fan of eating lobster, but...*especially* now....o.O

so now, I have to write a couple page english paper, study for an awful fine arts test, and practice clarinet so I don't embarass my teacher tomorrow >.< (even though I feel not so well at the moment).

YLCC on Friday was amazing!!! I enjoyed it so much ^^ canoeing, picking flowers, crashing into bushes, attempting to play volley ball XD, landing in a huge pile of mud by accident, sidewalk chalk, etc. OH I still need to think of a name *ponders*. Hopefully Anna will post pictures! ~.^

So yesterday, I also had state piano...and I did not do my best, which was rather upsetting. I really felt kind of out of it, and I missed several things that I should not have. Not to mention I was unusually nervous, and couldn't stop shaking. So, I did not feel too great about that. I know my parents, my teacher, and even I expected to do much better and I let them and myself down. My mother was none too happy about it on the way home...and I can't blame her. I mean, we went all the way to Montevallo just for that, just for me. Of course, my dad was incredibly nice and made me feel a little better about it. But my mom just kept on asking me how I could have messed up and said that there was no excuse for it. And it eventually ended up being an argument over why I just *had* to go to david's house the night before. According to her, I shouldn't have gone in the first place, and it made me tired, I wasn't feeling well, and I brought an awful movie anyway, etc. etc. *sigh* which wasn't the problem at all! I mean, I honestly enjoyed myself friday night and I will not regret going. She says I spend too much time with friends anyway. Which I don't quite understand what she means...in any case, friday was not the problem...afterall, you could even say I was practicing piano while I was there hehe =p. But then, somehow during this conversation (don't ask me how) she randomly mentioned how I should have more friends o.O ...well by that point I was pretty upset so I just hid behind my book (Survivor) and didn't say anthing for a while.
the strange thing is, whenever I argue with my mom, almost immediately afterwards, it seems that all is forgiven and nothing happened. I'm quite glad for that ^^
I *do* say some very stupid things, and I'm lucky she doesn't tend to hold grudges for too long =p

*sigh* ANYWAY time for me to stop rambling about things that don't matter and actually get to work.

wish me luck! ^_^

lol oh and watch this, it will either make you happy or scar you for life.


yeah...I'm weird. =)

5/11/05 11:26 pm - "For my own sanity, I've got to close the door and walk away."

One of the best feelings:

driving on a deserted street at night, with all the windows down and the sunroof open; listening to Do as Infinity or Kiroro...crying, singing, laughing, whatever I happen to feel like doing at the time. No one else can hear me or see me. I don't have to worry about what anyone else thinks, and I can just be myself...and it's such a nice feeling. Why can't I do that all the time? I mean, I really do try. Maybe that's my problem...When I try so hard to "be myself", it makes everything feel forced -_-
ah well, If I just stopped caring so much, it would be much better ^^

but yes, I've learned to love driving alone, even if I get lost and don't know what direction I should be going; atleast I know that I, and no one else, can insure that I arrive at my next destination, wherever that may be.

I've been thinking, and I'm afraid that the people I care about most don't know how much they mean to me. And It's my fault, because I don't say it. I need to find some way to express it, soon. If I don't, I know I will regret it.

"There's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got. You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime"

5/9/05 08:12 pm - "I know, put my earmuffs on the cookie"

hmm so the last couple of days have been not so great, but life is still good, sans doute ^^

first things first,
My mom is absolutely wonderful; I only hope she realizes how much I love and appreciate her. Sure I may get upset sometimes, when she is *always* right and yells at me when I do stupid things. But I know she does it because she cares about me and it's in my best interest. ^_^ She does everything for me, and I would be nothing if it weren't for her support.

hm so a couple of days ago, I went to NHC for my service project. and I played keyboard for some of the residents, as usual, but in a different hall. what they call the "600" hall...it is rather depressing, i mean, they don't seem exactly...aware...of many things, but they really are sweet people. I started playing, and I was sitting next to the same lady I've spoken about before (the pianist) and she was talking to me, telling me the same stories, and I gave her hug and listened. I played a couple of songs and this other elderly lady randomly appeared behind me and put her hand on my shoulder. I turned around and she had this huge smile on her face and she started to...well dance and sing kind of lol. So I just kept playing and swayed with her and laughed...but the pianist lady sitting next to me was none too happy about it. she started screaming "leave her alone and let her play! you couldn't play or sing a single note if you're life depended on it! don't you mess up this song!!!" so I tried to calm her down and tell her that it was ok, but she wouldn't listen. one of the nurses came in and made the dancing lady sit down. but 2 minutes later she got up again and came next to me and started hitting the keys. that REALLY got other lady upset, and the screaming commenced again. so I tried to calm her down and made the other lady sit down. This happened several times, until the pianist lady finally just struggled to her feet and lifted her walker and said "I MEAN IT! get up again and I'm going to knock you over the head with this!!!" I was sure a fight was going to break out between two elderly ladies, and I was about to spring to my feet and break it up. the dancing lady said "OH you just try it!" and she really was about to until one of the nurses came in and stopped them. I left shortly after that...I was causing more problems than anything else, and that wasn't exactly my goal T_T.

mm so *that* was definitely interesting.
this evening was not so great either. I was home alone with my grandparents because of a parents association meeting. I had been sitting with them in the kitchen until my bro called and asked me to get on the computer for a minute. So as I was talking to him over aim, my grandmother starts calling me and i tell her to hold on just a second. about a minute after that, she starts *screaming*. So I rushed into the kitchen to see my grandfather sliding from a chair onto the marble floor. We tried to keep him from hitting too hard but he definitely went down ;_; and I just feel so stupid, because I could have easily prevented it. I mean, he should never EVER sit in the chair he was in, but I didn't see it. -_- it's a low, rocking chair that is almost impossible to get out of. So I tried to help him slide along the floor next to a stable chair that he could lie against. This was no easy task. He kept on almost tipping over and hitting his head on something so I had to catch him several times and help brace him. For about 45 minutes, I tried *everything* I could think of to help him, and none of it did much good. I got things that he could use to support his arms, blankets and pillows he could sit on, I took of his socks so he wouldn't slide so much. but nothing really worked. we were making a little bit of progress, when my parents walk in and my mom just about freaks out when she sees him on the ground. Then, my dad walks over to him and with one pull get him standing again. How on earth is he so strong??? I mean, I honestly couldn't move him more than a couple of feet sliding him on the ground; and that took all of my energy and more than 30 minutes to do. lol I really need to build up my strength or something.
ugh my back kinda hurts XD but I'm just so glad he didn't hurt himself. he could have easily broken a bone o.O maybe he has learned to NEVER sit in that chair again hehe.
I hope so anyway.
Well I have an insane amount of work to do now.

ciao ciao ~.^

5/3/05 05:01 pm - "I will allow him to express his degree of elation"

oh what a day!!!! (in a good way) ^_^
today was the last session of ylcc (minus graduation, which is next friday):law enforcement day! I missed the shakespeare festival, but I'm quite glad I did.
First, we went to the courthouse and learned alot of interesting things about meth that I never knew lol The speakers were amazing, and that drug sniffing dog was so cute, even though he was HUGE. heh when the officer first walked in with the dog, it started acting up a little bit, so he said, very seriously, "down! down, KILLER."
Afterwards, we got to sit in on a criminal trial and watch the proceedings. The great thing was, there was little twist to this burglary class c charge that the man who was showing us around did not know. When we first walked in, the prosecutor was cross-examining an investigator who had found the defendants fingerprint on an extension cord in the victim's house. Supposedly, the burglar had stolen a tv, a computer, and some other electronics (to which the extension cords had been attached). Well, obviously, that fingerprint ws pretty incriminating evidence,especially since the victim claimed to have never even met the accused woman. However, the defense attorney kept on stressing the fact that no other prints had been found on anything else in the house. The prosecutor retaliated to this argument by explaining how RARE it is to find any fingerprint at all. When the prosecutor asked the investigator, "how excited were you to find this print on the cord; pretty excited, right?", the defense attorney tried to object, but the judge thought for a second, smiled, and said "I will allow him to express his degree of elation over finding the print"
All was fine and dandy until the defendant took the stand. This is where it got interesting. This lady had an "I don't care" *attitude* like you've never seen. She said that the plaintiff had lied about not knowing her. She said she had been introduced to him and been in his house with him several times. Once, or so she claimed, he had been looking up something for her on the internet while she stood next to him. and somehow, *that* was how her fingerprint got on the cord (even thought the cord was on the floor). But then, then we learned why she had really been at his house so many times. it was because she had been "turning tricks" *cough* ...and then she got into a few little details that I really would have rather not known, like um locations, and position, and *shudder* ANYWAY...while the defendant was giving her little speel, one of the ladies sitting next to me turned to someone else and whispered "OH so that's how her fingerprint ended up there...I bet he tied her up with the cords. hahaha" and then she turned around and noticed me staring at her, so she covered my ears with her hands and said "you *didn't* hear that" lol...so yeah, that was rather disturbing and funny at the same time. hah and the victim, he was horribly defamed in front of 60 teenagers and adults, when probably no one would have even been in there if it wasn't law enforcement day for ylcc.
Later on during the cross-examination, the prosecutor just straight out asked the question "did you steal those items?" and the defendant said "NO! I would never break into someone's house to steal! I've done drugs in the past, and I'll admit to what I've done. But I didn't steal from him. I only steal from STORES, not people's houses!" lol XD
For lunch we got to eat at the prison! fun stuff. heh we got lost on the way there too and ended up in a not so nice area of town. I had the best group ever, though!!! I was with Anna and a really nice lady she knew from church. ^_^ I'm so glad I was with them.
Ah the prison was really rather depressing/scary. First we ate lunch, which was served to us by some of the prisoners. the chicken was a little eh burnt, but i thought it was pretty good. Then we took a brief tour. It was a little akward, to say the least, to walk by a crowd of prisoners locked in a room...they all gathered at the window and some knocked on it at us and they just stared and stared the entire time we were there o.O supposedly one of them started dancing and singing on a table in one of the rooms but i missed it ! ;_; afterwards, we saw a room with a prisoner asleep on the ground with a blanket over his head. It just seemed so awful, even though you try to keep in mind *why* they are there...it still makes you sad to see it.

there is so much else that happened today, but I really can't type it all. I've got a lot of work to do now =p maybe i'll type more later if anyone is interested lol

ciao ciao

5/2/05 11:10 pm - sigh

I wish I could be there for someone.

I wish I knew what to say to make it better.

Even if I could just be there for one person.

I wish I could make people laugh when they are feeling down.

To make people smile when they've had a long day.

To provide a shoulder to cry on when they are in need of sympathy.

I wish someone felt close enough to me, to know that I would always be there for them when they need someone to listen.


This is very selfish of me.

How am I supposed to know, when I do something "nice"...if I am doing it more for them or for myself?

I think I need to get some sleep.
I've been out of it all day.
I hate finding myself staring blankly at random things, and then suddenly waking up. o.O

ok, I'm definitely going to bed now.

'nighty night ^_^

4/29/05 10:33 pm - "Someday everyone will find the way to love"

So the bluegrass festival was today! 'twas wonderful to work with parking, although all we basically did was sit and point, wave, and scream at people driving by. but if that's not great fun, what is?
the festival ended up being indoors...because of ALL the RAIN, and wind, and lightning -_-...oh it would have been so great if it had been outside. and it would have been even greater if it *had* actually rained.
but alas, what can you do? It was still fun ^^ I got to join the ticket people when the rest of my parking crew randomly vanished and didn't come back for a while o.o so I ended up debating about the media, medicinal marijuana, and some teachers that are leaving the school with riley, and caitlin, and then mrs. cunningham randomly joined in ^_^ hehe she's so great...(i'm considering joining choir next year...but *shh* it prolly won't happen XD)
*ahem* anyway...after that, I stood around with the pyro-maniac concession stand workers and saw tovar's dancing phone!!! hehehe *happiness*
Afterwards, I drove caitlin home, which was quite fun. we had all the windows down, the sun roof open, and listened to some good music by do as infinity. ^.^
I got to see her room and all of the awesome anime/japanese/books/dvds/etc. things that she has. and she let me borrow her inuyasha cd so I could burn a copy! yay!

so yep, fun stuff today. although I'm not as happy as I should be for some reason.
probably because I have way too much to do this weekend T_T I don't know how I'll get it all done. *sigh* overwhelmedness. I'll manage somehow, I hope.

or maybe it's just because the bluegrass festival is over with. all of that, the anticipation, work, the excitement, etc. It's all over. it was fun, but still, I don't why...last year still seems as though it was better to me.
hm, now that I think about it, I don't want this school year to be over with for so many reasons, and yet there are so many reasons that I *do* want it to be over. does that make any sense? well, whether I want it to or not, It'll be ending very soon. I'm so worried about this summer...8 weeks so far away from home with strangers - trying to make good impressions, to work hard, to prove myself worthy of even being there. I think it will be enjoyable in some respects as well, and atleast I'll acutally do something this summer, rather than just sitting in my room staring at the wall, listening to music, sitting at the comp, etc.

well, I'm off to get to work now. maybe it wouldn't be so bad, if i'd actually get to work and really concentrate for once>.> hehe people have no idea how little I really do...honestly, I'm terrible, and I've been the worst I've ever been about it this year. next year, I hope to change this.
ciao ciao

4/23/05 09:38 pm

hm...I can't decide if today was a good day or if it was just plain depressing *sigh*

well it started off well! and then quickly deteriorated (mostly because of my stupidity!!! GRRRRRR I'm so mad at myself right now....)

anyway...earlier this afternoon, I went to gadsen for solo and ensemble! ^^ Jordan and I got a 1 on our duet and I also got a 1 on my solo! I played it just about as well as I've ever played so I was quite happy...and the judge was very complimentary of both the solo and the duet <3

after we got home, I quickly ran to NHC for volunteer work. and all was going pretty well. I played some keyboard for a few of the residents in one of the halls (most of them had gone to sleep because it was after dinner). and then I sat down and talked with one of the residents. she was *very* talkative, but she seemed like such a sweet lady. she often went around in circles and repeated herself. She had taken piano for 2 years, she said, and she was *very* good! and I believed her...because she played a little bit on the keyboard for me. of course she's 80 something so her hands were a little shaky...but still! I could tell she was good ^^ she was so sweet to me, complimenting, giving advice, etc. and then she ended talking about a nice piano teacher of hers that died in a car accident when someone ran a stop sign. by the third time she had told me about that incident, she started sobbing into her hands. I felt horrible, tried to comfort her, and so did one of the nurses..but I couldn't do much. I hated to get up and leave her but eventually I had to rush to the school for the musical. so after a bit more talking, I just gave her a hug and left. she was so sweet...well, I left for a minute, but then realized I had left one of my books on the floor so I walked back to the room to pick it up. She was still sitting there talking, and I realized there was no one in the room with her...=/ *sigh* that made me kind of sad.

anyway, I watched the musical again, and played the piano again, but I must say...the performance was especially good tonight!!! it seemed almost completely different actually...I loved it. <3

so afterwards I thought I was going to go to tristan's house for a party type thing...(*twitch and this is where my stupidity kicks in)...well, I saw (i think it was?) mili pull out of the parking lot so I decided to follow her to make sure I didn't get lost (I should have told someone -_-;;). well, all was fine until I realized, either she drives reeeally fast or I drive way too slow...I kept up with them for quite a bit until I got through a curvy area of the road and realized they were gone. I kept going, and I was figuring I must have passed up the driveway somewhere because nothing looks familiar. So I find a driveway to pull in so i can turn around, and I started back the other way...I kept going and I saw a trailer park on my right, and the food outlet , and the church...so I knew I was close. I turned around again, and I finally saw a mail box and a windy, gravel road, and I was sure it was it. I kept going and then realized it branched off into two paths. This time I had quite a bit of trouble turning around without hitting a tree, but I finally managed to get out. I did this several times, following random windy driveways and ending up on different streets. It didn't help that it was quite dark outside. Finally, I just gave up and turned back towards home (surprisingly, I still knew which way that was).
so yep, that kind of frustrated me, because I really *really* wanted to be there. and my mom is angry because she was worried blah blah...she didn't want me to go there anyway blah...and I should have asked someone, but I was too stupid to do that.
ugh i'm such an idiot -_- bakabakabaka....

*sigh* so yeah, this wasn't the best of nights...and it's completely my fault. atleast, I got an interesting experience out of it? mm have never gotten lost that bad before. grr but the worst part was deciding to go home. I was *so close* to his house and I knew it...and everytime I saw a driveway that looked like the one, I wanted to follow it...unfortunately sometimes cars were behind me and I didn't want to slam on my brakes and turn.

lol so lessons learned today: 1) I am the WORST person with directions 2) JUST ASK/TELL SOMEONE DANGIT!!!

*ahem* so there ya go. ^^ all is good now.

well, except for the fact that I have a ton of work to do right now.

ciao ciao! ^.^

4/22/05 03:57 pm - It sucks to be me! Is there anybody here it doesn't suck to be?

IT'S FRIDAY! and it's rained for two days in a row!

Needless to say, I'm in a very good mood.

tomorrow is solo and ensemble!! fun stuff ^^ Jordan and I will rock!!!!~ (if we don't pass out before the song is over)

the musical is tonight!!!!!! and tomorrow night! (7:00 P.M. both nights) You must come! I know it will be great. hehe I had fun just hanging around during rehearsals because "I am part of it" (yeah, I play one song on the piano and that's it). but that doesn't matter! ^^

The parts I've seen are absolutely vunderful.

I love it <3 <3 <3

hmm I need to see avenue q!!!! who wants to go to new york with me?

wow I'm very happy right now.

bluegrass festival is one week from today!!! assuming we get sponsors. I think I'm just going to go ahead and make a flyer/poster and put it up at the restaurant. I've been waiting for one, and I've decided that waiting for someone else to do it is not helping anyone. so I'm actually going to take some initiative and make one (*gasp* o.o) but only because I really want this to succeed!
the flyer will probably suck (because I'm terrible at these kinds of things) but atleast it will get the message out there. =p ...hm speaking of which, does anyone know what bands will be playing? I know Distant Cousins will be, but there are others. lol 'tis sad that I don't even know.

[random thought]hugs are the best things ever.[/random thought]

yay well I'm off to um work on stuff.

see you all at the musical! ^.^

4/18/05 07:56 pm

@_@ if you haven't yet...

Watch Touch of Pink!!!!!!!

Great movie.



I'd better get to work.

4/18/05 04:09 pm - la la la

Making up missed work for three days is no fun ;_;

I'm horribly behind.

Still, today felt like a good day.

I don't know why. I mean, I had to take a horrible fine arts test, sit through classes and have no idea what was going on, I didn't bring piano music to practice for the musical, and I was exhausted all day.

But still, I'm happy ^_^

I wonder if it's annoying when I randomly smile at people for no reason?


But if someone smiles back, it just about makes my day.

I think I'm going to go watch Touch of Pink. (thank you for letting me steal it Tristan/Ellen!)

and then maybe, just maybe, I'll get some work done.

to be honest, I'll be glad when this year is over *sigh*

it has seemed tougher than usual.

I still can't believe I'll be a senior next year.

I'm supposed to be excited, I think.

And yet I feel so uncertain...

but this is no time to be thinking about that!

I'm off ^.^
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